10 Signs Someone Is Using You for Attention (How to Spot Them Fast)

“Signs someone is using you for attention” is a phrase we’ve all heard, but what does it really mean? Let’s break it down.

You know that friend who only texts when they need something? Or that person who’s all over your social media but never asks how you’re doing? These could be classic signs someone is using you for attention – and not in a good way.

Psychologists explain this as a one-sided relationship dynamic where someone keeps you around primarily for their own emotional needs. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a renowned expert on toxic relationships, describes these people as “emotional vampires” – they suck up your time and energy while giving little in return.

Why does this matter? Because constantly being someone’s “emotional backup plan” can leave you feeling drained, confused, and even questioning your self-worth. The American Psychological Association confirms that unbalanced relationships like these can negatively impact your mental health over time.

The tricky part? These attention-seekers often disguise their behavior as friendship or even romance. They might shower you with compliments when they want something, then disappear when you need support.

But here’s the good news: once you learn to recognize the signs someone is using you for attention, you can protect yourself from these draining dynamics. In this guide, we’ll walk through 10 clear red flags to watch for, along with expert-backed strategies to handle each situation.

Remember: Healthy relationships are about give and take. If you’re always giving and they’re always taking, it’s time to take a closer look.

Once you recognize that someone is taking advantage of your attention, the next step is to emotionally detach. Check out How to Detach from Someone Emotionally for a step-by-step process on letting go.

10 Clear Signs Someone Is Using You for Attention

They Only Contact You When They Need Something

One of the most obvious signs someone is using you for attention? They disappear for weeks, then suddenly blow up your phone when they need something. We’ve all had that “friend” – the one who ghosts until they’re bored, lonely, or need a favor.

While some people may use you for attention, others genuinely seek deep and meaningful relationships. If you’re interested in someone with real responsibilities, such as a single mom, check out these Tips for Dating a Single Mom to foster a strong and lasting bond.

Dr. Craig Malkin from Harvard calls this “intermittent reinforcement” – a psychological trick where they keep you hooked with random bursts of attention. It’s like emotional breadcrumbing: just enough contact to keep you interested, but never enough to feel valued.

You’ll notice the pattern quickly:

• They’re MIA when life’s good
• Suddenly “miss you” when they’re down
• Conversations always start with their problems
• Your texts go unanswered for days

The toxic truth? You’re not their friend – you’re their emotional Uber. Available on-demand when they need a confidence boost, then forgotten until next time.

Ask yourself: Would they drop everything if you needed them? Or are you always the one making effort? The answer tells you everything.

Recognizing that someone is using you for attention is the first step toward healthier relationships. The next step is letting go of toxic behaviors. Here’s a guide on Immature Dating Habits to Leave Behind as You Grow Older to help you grow in love and maturity

Every Conversation Is About Them

Ever notice how some people turn every chat into their personal monologue? This is one of the biggest signs someone is using you for attention – they dominate every conversation like it’s their stage. Relationship expert Esther Perel puts it bluntly: “Healthy relationships go both ways. If it’s always about them, that’s manipulation, not friendship.”

Here’s how it plays out:

• You share something important, and within minutes they’re talking about themselves again
• Their responses to your problems always start with “That reminds me of when I…”
• You leave conversations feeling unheard and exhausted

Psychology reveals this as a control tactic – by keeping the spotlight on themselves, they train you to prioritize their needs. If you’re constantly playing audience to their one-man show, that’s not friendship – that’s emotional labor.

Recognizing that someone is using you for attention is the first step. The next step is focusing on healthy connections. If you’re re-entering the dating world, check out Dating After Divorce: Rebuild Confidence & Find Love Again for expert tips on finding real love.

They Thrive on Drama & Sympathy

Some people turn their life into a never-ending soap opera, and these dramatic outbursts are classic signs someone is using you for attention. Research from the Journal of Social Psychology shows chronic victimhood is directly tied to attention-seeking behavior.

Spot the pattern:

• Every text starts with “You won’t believe what happened…”
• Their “emergencies” always demand your immediate emotional support
• Yet they never take real steps to solve their problems

As psychologist Dr. Ramani warns: “Drama addicts will drain you dry.” Their crises aren’t about solutions – they’re about keeping you emotionally invested and constantly available. The more you engage, the more they’ll manufacture new dramas to maintain that attention supply.

They Flirt But Never Commit (Breadcrumbing)

Ever dealt with someone who keeps you on the hook with just enough attention to stay interested? These mixed signals are textbook signs someone is using you for attention. Dating coach Matthew Hussey calls this “breadcrumbing” – dropping just enough crumbs of affection to keep you following the trail, with no real intention of commitment.

Watch for these signs someone is using you:

• They text you flirty messages at 2 AM but vanish during daylight hours
• Every plan to meet up somehow falls through last minute
• When you pull back, they suddenly become extra attentive

Here’s the psychology behind it: they get high on the chase, not the connection. When someone shows you these signs they’re using you for attention, remember – you deserve someone who’s excited to be with you, not just excited by the game.

They Ignore You in Group Settings

This one hurts – when someone acts like your best friend in private, but treats you like a stranger around others. These social games are clear signs someone is using you for attention. As Dr. Brené Brown explains, this “social exclusion” is a power move to control where your attention goes.

Spot these signs someone is using you:

• They’re all over your DMs but won’t acknowledge you at parties
• Suddenly becomes “busy” when mutual friends are around
• Only seeks you out when no one “better” is available

The painful truth? To them, you’re not a real friend – you’re just an ego boost they keep on standby. When you notice these signs they’re using you for attention, ask yourself: why settle for being someone’s secret friend?

They Gaslight You for Attention

Gaslighting isn’t just in movies – it’s one of the sneakiest signs someone is using you for attention. Yale researcher Dr. Robin Stern explains how gaslighters make you doubt your own reality to keep you emotionally dependent.

Red flags that someone is using you:

• “You’re too sensitive!” after they say something hurtful
• “I was just joking!” when their “jokes” always target you
• “You’re remembering it wrong” about things that definitely happened

Here’s an expert tip: start keeping notes or screenshots. When someone shows these signs they’re using you for attention, having proof helps you trust your gut again. Remember – real friends don’t make you question your sanity.

They Constantly Fish for Compliments

We all have insecure moments, but when someone constantly needs reassurance, it’s one of the most obvious signs someone is using you for attention. Therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab explains this comes from deep insecurity – they need your validation like emotional oxygen.

Spot these signs someone is using you:

• “Do I look okay?” turns into a 20-minute reassurance session
• They dismiss your compliments just to hear more (“No, I look terrible!”)
• Their mood depends entirely on your reactions

Here’s a healthy approach: give one genuine compliment, then change the subject. If they keep fishing, that’s a clear sign they’re using you for attention rather than seeking real connection.

They’re Never There When You Need Support

Ever notice how some people expect you to drop everything for them, but are mysteriously “busy” when you need help? This imbalance is a glaring sign someone is using you for attention. The Gottman Institute confirms emotional unavailability defines toxic relationships.

Watch for these signs someone is using you:

• They expect immediate responses to their texts, but take days to reply to yours
• Your problems get a “That sucks” while theirs get hours of your time
• They’re suddenly “going through something” when you ask for support

The 80/20 rule reveals the truth: healthy relationships should feel balanced most of the time. If you’re always giving 80% while they give 20%, that’s not friendship – it’s emotional labor.

Their Affection is Performative (For Show Only)

Social media has created a new way people use others for attention – the performative relationship. As Dr. John Gottman warns, “Public displays with private distance signal ego, not love.” These signs someone is using you play out in disturbing ways:

• Picture-perfect Instagram posts… followed by silent treatment at home
• Grand romantic gestures in public… but zero emotional intimacy in private
• Tagging you in memes… while ignoring your actual texts

Here’s how to spot the fakers: compare their online persona with real-life behavior. When someone shows these signs they’re using you for attention, remember – real relationships happen off-camera.

They Get Jealous When You Give Others Attention

Possessiveness without commitment is one of the ugliest signs someone is using you for attention. Dr. Ramani explains this control tactic: they want you available 24/7, without offering the same in return.

Red flags that someone is using you:

• They guilt-trip you for seeing friends (“I guess I’m not enough for you”)
• They demand to know why you liked someone else’s post
• They flirt heavily when you mention other people

The power move? Simply state: “I’ll divide my time as I choose.” If they can’t handle you having other connections, that’s the biggest sign they’re using you for attention – not building a real relationship.

How to Respond When You Spot the Signs Someone Is Using You

Now that you know the signs someone is using you for attention, here’s how to protect yourself using expert-approved strategies:

Set Clear Boundaries
Therapist Nedra Tawwab suggests direct communication: “Try saying, ‘I care about you, but I can’t be your 24/7 crisis hotline.'” When you notice signs someone is using you, boundaries become your best defense.

Use the Gray Rock Method
Dr. Ramani’s genius tactic: become as interesting as a gray rock. When they show signs they’re using you for attention, give boring responses and watch how quickly they lose interest.

Test Their Investment
Relationship coach Matthew Hussey recommends a simple check: “Ask for support with something small. If they can’t be bothered after all you’ve done, that confirms the signs someone is using you.”

When to Walk Away
The APA’s 3-strike rule works: “Give them 3 chances to respect your boundaries. If they keep showing signs they’re using you for attention, it’s time to distance yourself.”

Conclusion: Trust What You See

After learning these signs someone is using you for attention, one truth stands clear: you deserve better. As Dr. Brené Brown reminds us, “Healthy relationships should feel balanced – not like emotional overtime without pay.”

This week, do a quick audit of your relationships. How many of these signs someone is using you do you recognize? The most important question isn’t whether they’ll change – it’s whether you’ll keep tolerating behavior that drains you.

Your Turn: Which of these signs someone is using you for attention hit closest to home? Share your story below – your experience might help someone else spot these patterns too.

FAQ About Signs Someone Is Using You for Attention